Mental Illness

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Comment by Cathy on September 21, 2008 at 1:55pm

In the hospital they changed my medicine to Effexor and increased it from to 250mgs and diagnosed me Bypolar with depression.

I HONESTLY don't believe I would have done that that day if:
1. I won't have played with my medicine.
2. The doctors would have caught on years ago that my abundant energy and racing thoughts, migraines and mood swings and emotional outbursts were more than just depression.

I don't blame them per say. Because if I would have this years I won't have been able to be in the military. An the Airforce was one of my dreams. But I remember telling the doctors almost the same story about my symptoms for years before, during and after the military and nobody seemed to get it.

Its my son who has lived the full effects of my disease. An how do you tell a 14yearold this really wasn't who I am completely. That at times this disease took over. I'm not crazy. An please don't hate me.

Comment by Cathy on September 21, 2008 at 1:42pm

You see May 2006 was what I call my final crisis...

At that time I was taking medicine for depression and trying to ween myself off of that. I didn't need medicine I could handle my life. Hell, I was in the military and even though it had been a rough road with SOME immediate supervisors & rank. I surly did not to be on anything.

So I did what many people do in my situation. I took my medicine in double doses when I thought I needed it and not at all when I thought I didn't.

With my job being a stressor. An my husband and I arguing all the time. That was happening alot. Then I got news that my son's Dad was filing for custody because I could no longer afford to meet him half-way. He lives in PA. and live in LA. My son has always wanted to live with his Dad and even though I left him there for over a year at a time I was always being accused of keeping him away from his Dad.

I gave up the fight then. Which my husband did not understand. Nor did friends or family. In there minds I gave up on my son.

During that time I finally figured out I should be taking my medicine on a daily basis but because I was on 150mg of zoloft for about 3 years my husband started to worry about me having suicidal tendencies. Something zoloft is noticed for. So a military doctor put me on 25mgs of something. I can't even remember what anymore right before I got out of the military in 2005. That's what I was on during the WORST TIME of MY LIFE.

My so called depression and by that time it was... had sunk to its deepest levels. But I couldn't shut my mind off. My heart was breaking for what about to face with my sons dad. An my husband had left and came back about 4 times.

The day had started out good that morning. I managed to pull myself out of bed and my mind wasn't pounding with pain from migraines because of lack of sleep from the non-stop thoughts that seemed to possess my mind. The kids were in a good mood that I was up and about smiling a little.

Then my husband pulled in the drive way. Mad as Hell. To this day I'm not sure about what but I'm sure he wasn't thinking straight because he did not seem like himself. We weren't living together by then.

The whole incident took a matter of maybe 15minutes. An I don't remember it entirely. I asked him, "What do I have do to prove to you I love you, die? He said one word and I snapped.

I sent the kids to grandma acrossed the way and went through the bathroom cabinet and took everything. Got extremely sick. And did it again.

I was in the hospital for two weeks. An the pain from all the chemicals leaving my body lasted the 1st week. That in itself was something I won't wish on my worst enemy.

My point is I didn't plan it. I snapped. My children had a place to go and in my eyes they would have been better off without me because I was a complete emotional mess. An my mind seemed out of control along with my life. Everything I had tried to do to hold onto my life fell into the quicksand so fast and so quickly it seemed like something was pushing it in.

Comment by Cathy on September 21, 2008 at 1:00pm

My son calls my medicine my crazy pills. I'm not sure if that's a joke, sarcasm or just his way of dealing with it all.

Comment by Cathy on September 21, 2008 at 12:57pm

Thanks for the encouragement. I appreciate it. It took a long time to finally figure out what has been going on with me. I thought that would be kind of cure in its own way. Now some how I have to explain it to my children. Who don't quite understand my past actions. An before I can settle their minds I have to understand it myself. At least I think I do but I'm not sure on that either.